Sunday, November 09, 2008
An ending, and a new beginning

I had forgotten about this blog. Sorry to those who I happened to have met here for losing touch.

This blog will be removed shortly, but in the meantime I will be beginning anew at if you are interested in keeping up.

Posted at 06:21 pm by jenpuppy
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Saturday, August 05, 2006
Oh Family Reunions...

Sometimes I think its funny how different I am from my family... mind you I guess its just looking at the difference between what people value in life. Looking at the fruit, I wonder how much of my family I will see in heaven, and how many I would want to see there. Sometimes I really need to pray for your heart for them because I need to see them as you do. I know I should love them, and I do, but I have a hard time with what people do, and say and how they feel about what is 'right and wrong'... I think that most of my family runs on a cultural scale of right and wrong - they adapt to what the world around them says is acceptable and what is unacceptable. It is only by reading your word that I know there can be a difference, and usually there is. So many people have issues in marriage, in interpersonal relationships, in just general life issues - depression for instance... I sometimes have a hard time seeing hope and seeing potential. I guess it does give me more to be thankful for. I see that my life holds purpose, that I have the ability to be confident in who I am, that I have a best friend who is always there for me. I have someone who created me and knows my inmost being and what I need and what I can handle. And not only do I have that, but I have a personal relationship with you - I can approach you and I can say Hey dude I feel lame or Wahoo I am happy.

Posted at 06:47 pm by jenpuppy

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I really don't like how I feel right now. I feel like I am two people, or like I am wearing a mask.

At times, I am really genuinely happy, and recently that is the person most of my close friends have been seeing... I've been 'up' and excited about things and just in good countenance. But there are other times (both on my own, and when I am with my friends) when I feel so empty and "dead" spiritually but I don't know what to do with those feelings and emotions. I usually end up just pulling back and going to pray on my own, or just go do something else by myself.

I don't feel like I have the prayer support that I want. I don't feel like I am being "spurred on" by others around me.

The analogy God gave me last night was that I am 'driving' as a car in life... and I've been coming off of a hill and coasting in neutral, and I've been able to keep moving but up ahead there is another hill and in order to climb it I need to get the car back into gear and accellerate. The problem lies in that I can't get the car back into gear. I am rapidly approaching the hill and I know if I don't start accelerating, I am eventually going to slow to a stop, and then roll backwards back down this hill... and that is a big scene that I don't want to do.

I know that God is warning me of this, so that I can be stirred to start the car again, and to keep moving. I think this is why its so emotional and difficult, is that the spirit within me is discerning that I need to step it up and is at unrest with where I am spiritually. I know I'm not where I want to be, but I just don't know how to keep moving.

I also had a 'revelation' about where I am spiritually, and I remembered a vision somebody had for me, or I had myself where there was this plot of land, and on it there was a partially finished foundation that hadn't been completed and a pile of garbage lying on top of the site. It was basically meaning that my life had some garbage that needed to be moved so that the foundation could be built so that eventually a structure could be built. Where I am now, is the garbage has been removed and God has built up a foundation of relationship with me and Him, so the next step is the actual building upon that foundation.

Tying the two vision/analogies together, the mountain I'm about to climb I believe is prayer/intercession... that is, prayer to advance the Kingdom of God through building up myself so I can pour into others (Access cell group), building up others/strengthening others and praying for God to move etc...

Also, I was having a hard time at our church service this morning, and I think what it was, is I was feeling conviction that I was not 'right with God' and couldn't praise and worship when I was feeling so unsettled, so I needed to just go and pray. I felt better after expressing some of my heart, and just crying a little and sharing how completely confused I was. I ended up realizing that I needed to take authority over my thoughts and the enemy and make sure he wasn't allowed to play with my head and confuse me. I quoted a couple verses about being clear minded so I could pray, and thinking about things that are noble, lovely etc and having the peace of God that transcends all understanding guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus... it was really comforting to be able to quote God's Word and it made me feel a lot better and cleared my thinking up.

I think this is a time of perseverance and dilligence. I am going to try and set aside my evenings this week for prayer and building up of myself. My goal is to avoid movies/TV and frivilous things unless I'm doing something for the Kingdom...

Well, I've got stuff to do today, cya.

Posted at 12:13 pm by jenpuppy
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
California Here I come!

Hurrah Hurrah!

NOT ONLY do I get to go to CALIFORNIA in beautiful APRIL, but I get to spend EASTER with some really cool friends of mine that I haven't seen since OCTOBER!!! WAHOO.

As you may have guessed, I am very excited.

I suppose you could call this an early birthday present (My birthday is at the end of April), but I think its awesome. I have wanted to go for several months but things couldn't work out, but now they have and I am SO HAPPY.

I booked the flight tonight, and its non-refundable, so ching ching its in the works, no turning back now baby.

Anyways, I have to work in about 8 hours, so goodnight!

Posted at 11:03 pm by jenpuppy
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Saturday, March 11, 2006

I love it when God provides for us.

Not only does it speak to the goodness of God, but also it is such a blessing and encouragement.

I usually am reminded of the sovereignty of God when things happen that I couldn't imagine happening.

For instance: I have been wanting to go to California for awhile now, I was wanting to go in November, then January, then February, and then APril....well things are now starting to look like I can go in April! HURRAH.

I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to go because of finances, and just leaving my place empty for a week or so wouldnt' be good either... but luckily God has brought a very trustworthy person into my life to be my roommate, and given me blessings financially with that, and with my job having the ability to take time off... it is awesome and I think I can fly down and have a great time! PRAISE GOD. I love it when things work out that in my own understanding I knew couldn't happen unless God intervened. Yay God.


Posted at 01:40 pm by jenpuppy
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Monday, March 06, 2006
Odds and Sods

I have never really understood that term: "odds and sods" but I do think it sounds funny, so I like it.

Nothing especially new is going on... I am working 45-55 hours a week it seems... which is good for the $$ but what good is money if you are dead (figuratively or literally). I am very drained, and spiritually I have been on a rollercoaster again. Some days I just feel so dead, and other days are fine. I have found that if I don't have quality time in prayer and reading the bible, I get overrun with emotions and stress and 'life' and its easy to slip into depression and isolation and be really down.

Right now one of the biggest struggles I have is knowing who I am in God. I know what I'm "supposed" to say... but nothing resonates with me. Do I really believe I am a child of God? Do I really believe that I am as loved by God as my 'brothers and sisters' in Christ? Do I REALLY believe it? Right now, I'd have to say not really... there's still a lot of doubt, and insecurity and feelings of low self-worth. Perhaps in an attempt to squish pride, I've in fact done the opposite and lost the balance once again? I seem to go from one extreme to the next, and I think a root is judging myself and others by human measurements. Or even beyond that, comparing myself and others at all.

Posted at 04:55 pm by jenpuppy
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I am quite conflicted at the moment.

I didn't want to get a roommate, but I also knew that I needed to. So I put up an ad. I got a call today, and realized how unbelievably unprepared I am for this. How do I know what questions I need to ask? How do I know what I even want or don't want? I need to be sure of what I want and know which points I am unwilling to compromise on... *Sigh* I just want things to work out, but alas I am a little too optimistic and trusting of people without asking questions to know if that is a good thing or not.

Posted at 07:38 pm by jenpuppy
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Friday, February 10, 2006
Can't think of a good title...

I can't think of a good title for this post... mostly cause I'm not really sure what to write about.

A lot is happening in my life, I am really being challenged and grown in my relationship with God. Things are growing really well, and I've been challenged with my priorities and where they exist.

The biggest theme is 'getting rid of mediocrity' and not settling for anything less than what I know God has placed in me. It is being challenged to put God first, and to make that number 1 in my life. Relationships with people are important, but if my relationship with God does not outweigh them, they are unhealthy. So its a little difficult, because people will go and do stuff, and part of me wants to go, but truly I know that if I were to go, and things were just 'fun' and not something to bring me closer to God, I would feel that resistance in my spirit. And its not to say that I can't do anything fun, not at all... but its just that I have to have fed my spirit already before I can have 'candy' and just have fun.

I have also felt a deep need to be praying for people more - those who I work with, those who I lead with, those in my peer group and close friends, and family in the Lord, and my real family too.... I really like it, because it encourages me to have God's heart and really pray for people. I just really want to see people raised up to the potential that has been placed in them... because we are all created in the image of God, and God is amazing, therefore we are amazing (or at least have the potential to be). I love learning about God's character and the cool things He does cause it shows me the cool things we can do through Him.

Generally I suppose I am quite happy, I know that when I am consistant and constant with my God-time, I am always in a better mood, no matter what is happening.

I took a chunk out of my heel at work the other day (MAN it hurt!!!) but despite that, I am very happy.

I dunno, God is just amazing and I pray that by reading this you will want to know Him more, cause really He is just awesome, and wants you to know Him too, and to change your life and make you whole and fill every need and desire in your heart!


Posted at 06:59 pm by jenpuppy
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Pain and suffering

How long must she be in pain? How long must there be suffering?
Reach out your more than capable hands and heal her.

By your grace and your mercy, show action.

We beseech you for our sister, our beloved sister. You alone know what is wrong, you alone know the solution. We will seek you for that solution - for an end to the pain, and the suffering and the discomfort.

We stand with her, we weep with her, we pray for her, and we seek your face for her. You are good, and your mercy endureth forever. I know you are good. I know you love her. I pray that you may act. That those things that would hinder your working a miracle would be broken by the blood of Jesus. In the authority of Christ I break all things working against your will in her life. All things hindering your complete restoration in her life. You have overcome them all, and so you have overcome this, and through you, she will overcome as well.

Not our will, but yours. Let your perfect plan be played out, and let this work out for the GOOD of those who love you and ARE CALLED according to your purposes. She loves you, we love you. You love her. Please heal her. Father? Please comfort her. Please? Please can you just let her know you are there? Please can you just let her be comforted, and know that in the end you will be shown faithful and merciful. She is our sister. She is -my- sister. Please take care of our family... of your family.

Thank you that you hear me. Thank you that you love us and work for our good. Thank you that you are God. Thank you for answering, because I know you will.


Posted at 08:13 pm by jenpuppy

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Have you ever felt 'out of sync' with a bunch of people?

Welcome to my life right now. I don't know how I ended up here...

I know, that the people I hang out with and work at church with love me and care for me. But I don't believe it. Harsh words to say, I know, but that is how I feel. I know beyond any doubts in my mind, there is no doubt in my mind that they all care deeply about me and love me, but I don't believe it. Ironic words eh? There is that old phrase 'actions speak louder than words'...  They are amazing people, I love them all so much, and I can see their love for one another... but there are a few people the buck stops short on. And that isn't to say that there is nothing, but its just a lesser degree.

I must not hold anything against anyone... I must lay that down right here, right now, again and again. But I know that I am wearing masks again. I am not being myself in certain environments. I hide myself, and suffer in silence, and come home and cry on your shoulder. You alone know my pain and my hurt. You alone know what I need, what I crave. You alone know that I need more. However, you also know that I am trying to solve things myself. Let me really lay things down. Let me really stop trying to manipulate and make things my way... let me let go. A friend once told me "Let go and let God".

The things I need and do not get? Simple things really. Somebody to ask me how things are going, and to really mean it, and ask in such a way that its not 'small talk' and passing conversation. Somebody to ask and really want to hear the answer. So often I am asked 'how is it going' or 'is everything ok' and I want to say No, its not okay, this is what I am going through, please pray for me, but the way that the question is asked is in an environment that hinders this.

I am still learning a lot of things - I am still dealing with insecurity and fear of men, and so for people to ask me things that are personal in the midst of a restaurant or a big social event, of course I am not going to open up. Of course I am going to either lay it off on some dumb excuse (IE working too much, stress, tiredness, headache) or just say I am fine.

I need to know that people are standing with me. I need to know that people care enough about me to pray for me. That is the bottom line. Maybe that's why I don't believe that people really care? I know that they care in their own self, but I want people to care with God's heart. I want to be praying for them and to be standing with them, and I want that in return.

To use the temple teaching to describe this: I don't want to be hanging out with people in the outer courtyard or the inner courtyard, I want to be with people hanging out in the Holy Place, or maybe the porch.

I feel like there are two worlds here... I can go to be alone and be with God, or I am with my friends and being social/trendy/"just having fun".... I don't see balance there. We need to be able to get over the mindset that talking about God has to be this big thing that is so serious. Often I hear the comment "I just want to have fun" and that is cool, but there has to be a way to have fun without it being meaningless... team building stuff is a good example of this.

Anyway, I have to go keep praying about this...

Posted at 11:15 am by jenpuppy
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Welcome to the blog - I hadn't updated this in awhile, so I figured I should revisit this... I don't really have a lot of time to write, but I will try to keep current...

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